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ADJUSTING TO ADULTING/ THE END OF A DECADE

12/18/2019

Get comfortable.
This is a lot like Last Call on The DropOut (a long but insightful origin story)
I wrote the majority of RUGRAT, The Project in 2017 (~3 years ago). At that time I completed undergrad at Stony Brook leaving behind the security of an English Teacher’s position to be a Poet. This was around the same time that I began to DELVE DEEPER into alchemy. That new knowledge helped me throw away the safety net of secure employment. I would not have had thIS privilege without the support of my family. I found work as a front desk attendant and I devoted myself to a project of 217 poems, essays, and anecdotes. I had a schedule, one new poem posted weekly here on my website, (check them out BELOW). I would be finished writing in a year. I kept it up for some time but soon enough I realized it was unsustainable so I relieved myself of that commitment. I still planned to write the book but I wouldn’t force it.

A friend asked me how was I doing. I told him I was “adjusting to adulting” he said “I like the sound of that”. I did too and I began to write my first song since the 6th grade. Back then, in the 6th grade I was inspired by the Mos Defs, Talib Kwalis, Missy Elliots, and Kanyes of the world to write Lyrical Reign, a rap that I still perform. It was dope but Rapper didn’t seem like a sustainable career at the time. Fast forward a decade or so and I was right back where I started. I proceeded with major insecurities. Rap still didn’t guarantee success or stability. And I didn’t feel worthy or equipped enough to create the music my mind composed. Growing up in church I was surrounded by fantastical musicians including the late great Sharon Jones. They were all naturally talented. My voice was a whimper fading into the background. I was a thinker and a writer I would just stick to what I was good at AND leave the music to the musicians. Yup, that was the plan until “adjusting to adulting”.

5 songs later, no beats, and no where to record. I was uncertain what to do next. I just kept writing and rapping to my best friend Finessa during cyphs. She continuously urged me to follow through. I FINALLY reached out to a friend from high school, Joshua of THE Provider PRODUCTION KNOWN AT THAT TIME AS OUTSPACEOUS. We started building, he let me record in his closet studio and together with my vision and his skill we created most of the production. Things were falling into place but I felt with more help they could move faster. That’s when Ayala my main mans came in. Together we went to concerts, festivals, and AC3. We TOOK notes AND STRATEGIZED. I owe so much of my progress to her support.

In 2018 I reached out to Shay another High School (BBACD) connect (I only made like 2 friends in college lol). I wanted him to produce the beat for Lyrical Reign, retitled Rugrat. That song didn’t make it into the EP but it became the title of the Project. AROUND THAT TIME I BECAME ACQUAINTED WITH ANOTHER ARTIST WHO LET ME RECORD IN HIS HOME STUDIO AS WELL. HIS BROTHER, YUNG SHUG PRODUCED AND I HEARD TWO OF HIS BEATS THAT WENT PERFECTLY WITH LUNDEGOON AND SOLOMON. We finally arrived at what looked like the last lap, Engineering. I found a dope ass producer/ engineer/ FILMAKER to mix and master the project through one of the few connections I made in college. I thought Shelton, who would later connect me to my amazing voice coach and friend Abrielle, would be my fairy godFather. He would use his magic to take all the rough drafts and my creative direction to create The masterpiece i Envisioned. I thought my work was done. I thought wrong. My hopes came crashing down as soon as quick as they rose. Turned out my tracks were not compatible with his DAW. SIMPLY PUT, I needed to re-record.

DOUBT AROSE AND I was frustrated. Almost 2 years devoted to something I had not planned. Something that was uncertain and unsupported. It made no sense. I was completely independent with no audience. I was investing my time, my money, my being into something that promised no profit. I thought of giving up. That would be the smart thing to do "but at what cost” (Yes, I QUOTE MYSELF). I knew that if I didn’t pursue my calling I would die... Just wither up on the inside and die I tell you! So I re-recorded. By then Ayala had invested in some equipment and we went to work at her house.

The music was completed the Summer of 2019 and I planned to release it on my birthday, July 31st just one month before my first art show, Urban Alchemy. But there was more (there is always more). Cover art, distribution, and promotion. I was overwhelmed. I just wanted to create.

My mental state didn’t help. Most people experience seasonal depression. Melancholy settles in with the cold. But summers have been hard for me. I did not celebrate on my birthday. I spent it in a wet haze of tears and smoke. I felt alone even though Finessa came by to listen to my woes. ThIS calling began to feel like a curse.

I DRAGGED MYSELF THROUGH the dark.
Urban Alchemy was My lighT. It put some hope in my heart. The show we (Ayala, Stray, and Jahan) put together was amazing. The people who came out have been etched into my memory and my heart.
But that lIght dimmed.
My ego brought me down from that high. One incident led me to believe that no one understood me or my genius. I was all alone, forgetting in that moment all the people aforementioned. I was offended and upset. But I didn’t want to curl up in a ball and die this time. No I wanted to fuck some shit up first. DEPRESSION GAVE WAY TO RAGE. I realized I was alone and this was my vision. No one could invest the way I could because they could not see it. I realized that if I wanted it to get done it would be by my own efforts. Although it was my faulty ego that brought me to this truth. It was still true. I used that energy as fuel.

I dropped Solomon, my first song from the Project on September 2nd, my niece’s birthday.
My godmother and #1 fan Carol leaked it to my family. They were on board. Even my grandmother, a pastor enjoyed it. She said, “It’s about weed but it’s good”. That is my favorite review so far. None of this would be possible without the foundation that I have in my family. After their approval no one could tell me anything.

I designed and updated my website, myself
I designed the cover art, myself
I promoted, myself (not by choice feel free to help lol)
I wrote and performed all of this, myself
And I released this shit, myself
(ALL PLATFORMS)
I am proud and I am glad I can put this on record.
This will be nice to return to when the world recognizes what I have always known...
I am a fucking genius.

Hell, we are all geniuses in one way or another we just need to realize it.
Claim it.
But geniuses can’t work alone

THIS HAS BEEN A GROUP EFFORT
I could not have actualized this vision without the people that I have been blessed to connect and work with. People who said yes just because.

I needed that fueL THOUGH. THE FUEL OF FEELING ALONE AND MISUNDERSTOOD. That FUEL drOve ME to prove myself. But NOW AS I REFLECT I am glad TO HAVE EVOLVED FROM THAT SPACE. I have nothing to prove NOW. Just things to do. And I will do them in alignment to my calling and my TRUTH.

The moral of this story is
The world will not acknowledge your vision, your genius, or your divinity until you show them.
SO SHOW THEM,
then help will appear
...
RUGRAT was a labor of love.
...
it is a declaration
It is the sound of growing pains
It is the product of faith.
IT IS A SPACE WHERE MY GIFTS MERGE.
It is my beginning.
And this is not the end.
Rugrat is the tip of an iceberg...
Please know that there is more…

UP NEXT
JANUARY 10, 2020
BBYLUN Presents Rugrat the Experience/
SOLOMON Music Video PREMIER